Everything to Know About ‘Sides’: The People Who Don’t Prefer to Have Penetrative Sex

By: Zachary Zane

As a culture, we have this obsession with penetrative sex, and most folks believe it only “counts” as “real” sex if it’s P-in-V or P-in-B. If you don’t like penetration (for any number of reasons), then there’s something “wrong” with you. And what you’re doing, that mutual exchange of pleasure, is somehow “less than” real sex.

I’m a sex and relationship expert, and I still struggle with this line of thinking in my personal life, even though I know, logically, it isn’t true. It’s just that ingrained in us.

 If you are someone who doesn’t like penetration but likes, say, oral, fingering, jerking off, or simply just making out, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. And now, there is a word to describe you: sides. The term was initially coined in 2013 by sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Joe Kort, who identifies as a side himself. But only recently has the term broken into mainstream (gay) vernacular, in part because Grindr, a couple of years ago, added it as a position preference on the app (alongside top, bottom, vers, etc). 

Despite originating as a term for gay, bisexual, or queer men who don’t like to have anal sex with other men, the word, more recently, has been used to describe people of all sexualities and genders. And to be clear, sides don’t have to be “all or nothing.” What I mean by that is, some people who identify as sides do have penetrative sex on occasion— perhaps they want to please their partner who really prefers penetrative sex, or another reason. If you want to identify as a side as outercourse is your preference, don’t freak out if you have penetrative sex once in a while and feel as if you can’t claim the label. You absolutely still can. 

There’s this misconception that “sides” are born out of sexual trauma. Sure, maybe this is the case, but there are also many valid reasons that have nothing to do with experiencing sexual assault that can explain why you’re a side. If you’re a man who has sex with men, you may have an aversion to poop, so the idea of anal sex just sounds gross. Perhaps, you find anal or vaginal penetration painful or too intense (because let’s be real, getting railed in the ass can be a really intense experience). Perhaps penetration just doesn’t feel as good to you as getting fingered or getting a lubed-up hand job. There are a dozen reasons why you may prefer other forms of sex (and yes, I do count non-penetrative sex as simply sex).

While data on the prevalence of the sides is sparse, anecdotally, I can share that this isn't a small subset of the population. And as we see more side visibility and start to feel less shame about being a person who doesn't want to have insertive sex, I'd be willing to bet that we'll see more people openly identify as sides. As we, as a society, move away from the puritanical view that sex has to be for procreation—and I do believe (many) of us are—I bet we’ll see more people embrace and identify as sides.

 But if I can leave you with one takeaway from all this, being a side is totally normal. I know many of us have this fear that if we don’t like or do what most people seem to like or do sexually, then something is wrong with us. We think we’re broken or screwed up. But I promise you now, you are not. 

Now, if you’re interested in learning more about side and side culture, I recommend you read Dr. Joe Kort’s book, Side Guys: It’s Still Sex Even if You Don’t Have Intercourse: Non-Penetrative Sex Comes Out of the Closet.

Oh, and since #LUBELIFE is a lube company, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share my favorite lube recommendations for sides. Because, after all, lube makes sex, including non-penetrative sex, far more pleasurable.

• Best Silicone-Based Lube: #LUBELIFE's Barely There Silicone Lubricant. Since the lubricant is silicone-based, it's long-lasting, meaning you don't need to reapply it nearly as often as a water-based lube. However, it's not as viscous and sticky as traditional silicone lubes, so you won't completely ruin your sheets or get lube all over your bed (and partner).
• Best Water-Based Lube: #LUBELIFE's Water-Based Lubricant. If you find the Barely There Silicone Lube too messy, consider using a traditional water-based lubricant instead. It washes off easily and doesn't stain your clothes or bedsheets.
• Best Flavored Lube: #LUBELIFE's Water-Based Sex on the Beach Flavored Lubricant. If you're a side who loves oral but perhaps has an aversion to the taste of peen/crotch (or wants to try something new), there is a range of flavored lubricants from #LUBELIFE, including Strawberry, Watermelon, Cotton Candy, and the newly released Peaches & Cream. But my favorite flavored lube is the Sex on the Beach. What I love about #LUBELIFE's flavored lubes is that they aren't as sweet and saccharine as other flavored lube brands I've tried.

   

All right, that’s all for now, my sides. Now go out there and start having some fun without any shame or guilt!