Sexual fantasies fuel your sex drive and can keep the spark lit for couples play. Wondering if yours are normal? Big reveal: They totally are. ALL of them.
Honestly, who hasn't caught themselves daydreaming about sex at some point? Unless you identify as asexual, your thoughts have probably drifted into hot scenarios about you and your crush or a partner – or that sexy-looking person you happened to see in front of you in line at the grocery store. Later on while alone in bed, you might have even utilized that same fantasy scene while busting out your vibrator, or drummed it up just prior to a sex session with your partner.
Whether by accident, out of boredom, or intentionally as a little fuel for masturbation, you've just conjured up a sexual fantasy. Before we get into the thick of the whole concept, let's get one thing clear: sexual fantasies are super common, totally normal, and (generally) absolutely harmless. However you're having them, you're far from alone.
In fact, you're probably not even alone in fantasizing about sex while waiting in line at the drug store! (On that note, aren't you glad you can't read other people's minds? Because that old dude in front of you might be picturing his wife getting it on with another man.)
Sexual fantasies are a healthy way to live out your wildest sexual dreams (in your head, anyway) and even fuel your desire for partnered sex.
What is a Sexual Fantasy?
Simply put, any time you're thinking about sex or masturbation in connection with a scenario that turns you on, you're having a sexual fantasy.
It doesn't matter how intentional or mindlessly these thoughts occur, or how complex or basic they may be. Daydreaming about a threesome while bored at your desk at work or imagining yourself humping your crush or your partner while touching yourself in bed both count as sexual fantasies.
A fantasy might happen at random, before you've even decided to think about something sexual – like the “bored at the grocery store” scenarios we mentioned above. You could also drum up a sexual fantasy intentionally, like just prior to breaking out your trusty vibrator or stroker, or just before turning toward your partner to squeeze their bum and kiss their neck to initiate sex.
If your brain can think it up, and it's related to turning you on, boom: it's a sexual fantasy.
So… It's Totally Normal to Think About Sex at the Grocery Store or the Office?
In one word, yes. As long as you're not reaching down to touch yourself in front of total strangers or popping a boner at work and showing your coworkers, there is nothing wrong or harmful in thinking about sex whenever the thought strikes.
However, we'd recommend tabling those thoughts for when you're somewhere more private, because it's way more fun to dream up the ultimate sexual fantasy when you're alone or with a partner and can – you know – do something about it.
Using a sexual fantasy to make masturbation more interesting or get your motor revving for partner sex are – obviously! - also super common and healthy. You can fantasize about whoever or whatever you want, because it's literally all in your head.
Does My Sexual Fantasy Mean I'm Creepy, Abnormal, or Subconsciously Gay?
Maaaaybe… but probably not! Fantasies can represent scenarios we'd like to try in real life, but very often, they're just a turn-on in our heads. Yep, believe it or not, we can get turned on by the idea of a sexual act, but not actually want to ever do it.
With that said, you can be straight and fantasize about sex with someone of the same gender, even though you'd never actually want a same-sex hook-up. Similarly, fantasies can often be inappropriate to share with those outside of your own sex life, but they can still be healthy and ok as long as you don't spring them on strangers.
For example, you can have as many shameless fantasies as you want about that gorgeously perfect, 18-year-old guy with the blue eyes who bags your groceries, so long as you don't blurt out said fantasy or grab his ass the next time you're at the check-out counter.
And yes, that also means do NOT slide into the DMs of that swimsuit model or hot influencer just because they post half-naked selfies! Imposing your sexual fantasies on someone who has not given their consent to participate is a BIG no-no. (Random dick pic senders, we're looking at you!)
As long as your fantasy doesn't cross the line of sexual consent and stays either within your own mind or is only shared with trusted partners, you're aaalllll good, my friend.
The Most Common Sexual Fantasies
Sexual fantasies are as normal and common as sex itself. However you're safely fantasizing, we're here for it. But there are a few sex daydreams that seem to occur over and over for all different sorts of solos and couples.
Having A Threesome
C'mon, are you that surprised? There's a reason the threesome is a major category in porn and one of the most popular bucket list items for couples seeking a “unicorn.”
It doesn't matter how you slice it: two women and a man, two men and one woman, three non-binary queer folx, or three gay guys who just met on Grindr. Imagining yourself with two other beautiful humans is a universally hot idea for lots of sexually-driven people.
Having Sex With Strangers
Part of what makes fantasies so enticing is their taboo-ness. Hook-ups with people we've just met is still often seen as controversial, even in today's more sex-positive culture. So naturally, the idea of screwing a near-total stranger – maybe someone we met in a bar, or a cute fellow who flashed us a smile as we passed on the street – can be extremely sexy.
Similarly, you might even get aroused by the blending of these first two sex scenarios. Imagine going to a sex party or swinger's club, meeting other couples or singles - and then heading straight to bed with all of them!
Ethical non-monogamy is slowly becoming more accepted, and thus, more types of couples are giving it a shot. For some, loving or sleeping with multiple partners is a lifestyle, and for others, it's just a fantasy that they may or may not actually want to play out.
Either way, the idea of inviting another partner, or even several people, into your relationship and/or sex life in some way has become increasingly more arousing for many folks. You might imagine yourself just having sex with this new dating partner, or you may be enticed by the idea of having a full-on, second boyfriend or girlfriend that extends beyond the bedroom.
There's no right or wrong way to fantasize, but if you want to take this daydream outside your head and into the real world, it's important to understand the complexities of multiple partner relationships.
Having Sex Outdoors
Another big shocker scenario, right? Again, if someone's filmed a porn around it, it's probably an idea that lots of people have imagined. Having sex outdoors isn't relegated to the fantasies of porn producers. Getting naughty in nature can turn on anyone, especially those who already adore spending time in nature.
There's just something so primal about getting it on exactly as Mother Nature intended: surrounded by fresh breezes, lush vegetation - and hopefully not next to a poison ivy bush! But at least fantasies won't leave you with a rash.
Same-Gender Sex Fantasies
Your fantasies may or may not inform your sexual orientation. In the case of same-gender sex scenarios, you definitely don't have to be gay, queer, or even bisexual to get off on the idea of involving someone with the same genitals in your play fantasy.
Hell, some lesbians even prefer watching strictly-male gay porn, while some straight dudes can get aroused at the idea of a one-night fling with another guy. In fact, genitals don't even have to factor into it, unless that's specifically what makes the idea so hot. You can picture yourself having wildly queer sex with anyone of any gender identity, and that only makes you LGBTQIA+ if that's the kind of sex you want to have IRL.
Similarly, it doesn't revoke your gay card if you strictly have same-gender relationships, but prefer straight porn.
Kink and BDSM Fantasies
Picturing yourself submitting to someone's insatiable sex drive, dominating a partner with your own salacious requests, or fulfilling your kinkiest desires with bondage rope, high heels, and thigh-high nylons might sound really out-there. But that couldn't be further from the truth.
Fantasies that involve BDSM scenarios, like acting as a Dominatrix or a submissive, or kinky fetishes, like getting aroused by feet or pantyhose, are actually pretty common for people from all walks of life.
The ultra-conservative couple from next door might be dreaming of whips and chains when they head to bed, even though they just attended church last Sunday. BDSM and fetishes don't discriminate, and whatever yours may be, we can almost guarantee that at least 50 (thousand) other people have fantasized about the same thing, too.
When It Comes to Fantasizing, Let Your Thoughts Do the Dirty Work
There's an old saying that goes something to the tune of, “You can spend the entire day building up an appetite as long as you eat at home.”
What that means is, basically, that you can fantasize the day away and picture as many sexual scenarios as you please with as many people as you desire, and that's totally healthy and fine. Just make sure that if you're partner, you take that built-up sex drive and spend it on your partner (and not the sexy strangers you encountered).
In sorta the same way, if you're single, don't spring sexual fantasies on unsuspecting folks, unless that person you just met has undeniably and enthusiastically consented to a sexual encounter. Otherwise, save those dirty thoughts for your private masturbation sessions.
What we're trying to get at, though, is this: your sexual fantasies can become your most valuable tools for keeping your sexual desire flowing and the sparks flying with your partner or your favorite sex toy.
Engage healthily with your sexual thoughts and don't shame yourself just for having them. Recognize which ones represent acts you'd like to try IRL and which ones can be happily left inside your head to simply fuel your overall horny feelings.
There's no reason to be afraid of the ideas that tell your brain, “Dang, I'd like to f*ck right about now,” however mild or wild they may seem at the moment. Nobody gets to tell you how big (or small) your sexy daydreams can be!